


everything's going to hell and I'm gonna meet it there

by Prankstyr



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AS OF 2015 EDITED OUT ALL THE GROSS PROBLEMATIC SHIT SO Y'KNOW IT'S NOW SAFE TO READ THIS, I finally figured out the fucking chat formatting, M/M, and fyi the sexual assault is off camera, but it's still there so please be careful!, but she handled chappie one for me, mostly chatfic, only mentions of the noncon, tumblr user pinkycry is a goddess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-20
Updated: 2015-07-30
Packaged: 2018-01-05 05:48:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1090345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prankstyr/pseuds/Prankstyr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave got his ass beat straight to hell a couple weeks back. Jerks acquainted their fists with his everything and took a cinderblock to his hand. Now he's stuck typing to his crush on a phone with his functional arm. At least he's not a nerd.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. a little bit of tenderness for a tender little boy

— carcinoGeneticist [CG] is now an active chum! —

— turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] —

TG: well hmm  
CG: WHAT’S HMM. THAT’S NOT A THING I EVER THOUGHT I’D HEAR FROM YOUR DOUCHE MOUTH.  
CG: SEEING AS HOW IT IMPLIES CONSCIOUS THOUGHT.  
TG: nice try karkles but im like a fucking rock today  
TG: a rock made of ice  
TG: so hard  
TG: so cool  
CG: SO NONSENSICAL.  
TG: bite me  
CG: COME OVER HERE AND WE’LL SEE.  
TG: arent you the least bit curious as to what im talking about  
CG: I ASSUMED YOU’D EVENTUALLY GET AROUND TO TELLING ME.  
CG: I DON’T NORMALLY NEED TO GIVE YOU A KICK IN THE ASS TO START YOU BABBLING.  
TG: kindly fuck off and die friend  
CG: THAT MIGHT INTERFERE WITH THE WHOLE SEEING-EACH-OTHER-SOMEDAY THING.  
TG: kindly dont take me seriously  
CG: I NEVER TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY. IT’S BEEN A GOOD RULE OF THUMB.  
TG: <3 u 2 bby  
TG: but foreal  
TG: bro and i went to a psych today  
CG: WHY ON EARTH WOULD STRIDER SQUAD GO TO A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL? I BET THEY HAD A GODDAMN FIELD DAY WITH YOU TWO.  
TG: well we decided it was a good and prudent decision based off a variety of factors  
TG: namely that id never been to one and i figured i should do the smart thing and deal with my issues now  
CG: WISDOM WITH DAVE.  
TG: id watch the hell out of a show named wisdom with dave  
CG: I’D WATCH THE FUCKING THING EVERY DAY. ET CETERA. ET CETERA.  
CG: GET TO THE POINT, WOULD YOU.  
TG: long story short then  
TG: type 1 bipolar  
CG: WHAT ABOUT IT.  
TG: ive been diagnosed with it fuckhead  
TG: oh and bro has mild autism which is really fucking funny  
TG: because im an asshole  
TG: and because i called it  
CG: YOU HAVE FUCKING BIPOLAR???  
TG: i believe i said that yes  
CG: AND I DON’T???  
TG: i have no clue i aint been to your mental health screenings or whatever  
TG: 10 bucks says you just have anger problems  
TG: and abandonment issues  
CG: FUCK YOU TOO.  
CG: AND BEFORE YOU EVEN DO IT, FUCK YOUR LITTLE <3 EMOTICON.  
TG:  
TG: well fine then jeez  
TG: i got no respect round these parts  
CG: I RESPECT YOU. I ALSO RESPECT YOUR RIGHT TO BE A DUMBASS.  
CG: YOU EXERCISE IT TOO OFTEN.  
TG: whatevs voltage  
CG: VOLTAIRE, YOU UNEDUCATED DICKLICK.  
TG: thats a new one  
CG: THANKS. I’M EXPANDING THE REPERTOIRE.  
CG: …  
CG: YOU ON ANY MEDS?  
TG: not yet theres a problem with our insurance  
TG: namely that we dont really have any  
CG: WHAT.  
TG: well we dont have any worth shit  
TG: seeing as how bro is like 26 with no steady job and im 13  
CG: THAT’S NOT FUN.  
TG: no not really  
CG: SO, UM, WHAT ARE YOUR SYMPTOMS OR WHATEVER?  
CG: IF I’M NOT BEING TOO FORWARD.  
TG: ooo mr vantas  
TG: dramatic fan flurry  
CG: FUCK OFF.  
TG: later honey i prefer the light of the moon  
CG: OH MY GOD STOP.  
CG: SYMPTOMS PLEASE I DON’T WANNA HEAR ABOUT YOUR MASTURBATION HABITS.  
TG: im sure  
TG: just standard bipolar shit really  
TG: depressive phases and manic phases  
CG: IS IT BECAUSE OF THE MANIC SHIT THAT YOU WOULDN’T DO THE SMART THING AND RUN FROM THE FUCKERS WHO MESSED YOU UP?  
TG: give the man a cigar  
CG: HOW’S THAT ALL HEALING UP? I ONLY ASK SO I KNOW HOW LONG IT IS TIL I CAN BEAT YOU UP TOO FOR BEING SO STUPID.  
TG: the leg is fine cast comes off in three weeks or something  
TG: ive been milking the wheelchair thing its been fun  
TG: the hand is doing better i guess  
TG: they say im up to 20% motor control  
TG: which is better than where i was but nowhere near where id like to be  
CG: GOOD LUCK, I GUESS.  
CG: NOT MUCH ELSE I CAN SAY OR DO.  
TG: appreciated  
TG: you could move to houston  
CG: MY DAD’S JOB THOUGH.  
TG: yeah yeah i know just wishful thinking  
CG: I KNOW YOU WISH I WAS THERE.  
CG: EVERY NIGHT.  
CG: BY THE LIGHT OF THE MOON.  
TG: omfg stop  
TG: that was literally the worst attempt at flirteasing i have ever witnessed  
TG: and ive seen john trying to court rose  
TG: which is fucking hilarious i should note  
CG: OH MY GOD IT’S LIKE PICTURING A PUPPY JUST HUMPING AT MIDAIR AS SHE WALKS AWAY.  
TG: that is pretty much exactly how its going  
CG: HEH.  
TG: what about you then  
TG: any lovely ladies in your life  
TG: or should i say  
TG: any hos be wantin the V  
TG: V for Vantas  
CG: NO, YOU PRETENTIOUS FUCKER.  
CG: I TOLD YOU I WAS DEDICATELY SINGLE AT THE MOMENT.  
TG: are you saying youre saving yourself for marriage  
CG: FACEPALM X2 EXECUTED.  
CG: NO, DUMBDUMB.  
CG: I’M SAYING THAT I DON’T FIND ROMANCE APPEALING RIGHT NOW. I'VE GOT OTHER SHIT GOING ON.  
TG: are you at least sexual  
CG: YES. AND WE’RE LEAVING IT AT THAT.  
TG: fine mr prickly panties  
CG: GO CASTRATE YOURSELF WITH A SPEEDO COVERED IN RAZOR BLADES.  
TG: kinky  
CG: I’M GOING TO POUND YOUR FACE IN.  
TG: with what  
TG: your massive rage boner  
CG: EXACTLY. 7 BY 1.82 INCHES OF UNADULTERATED HATRED.  
TG: …  
TG: ……  
TG: that measurement is far too specific to be a joke  
TG: but there is no way your little karcock is that big  
CG: OH, ARE YOU SAYING I’M BIGGER THAN YOU? THOUGHT SO.  
TG: this conversation is ended right here right now  
TG: stop stoppity stop stop  
CG: CAN’T STOP WON’T STOP. AND YOU SOUND LIKE BILL COSBY.  
TG: bibbity bop please fucking stop  
CG: ONLY BECAUSE YOU ASKED SO NICELY.  
TG: yeah whatever  
CG: SHIT I HAVE TO GO.  
TG: why  
TG: ive loved you all along karkat  
TG: dont leeeeeeeave  
CG: CONSIDER MY DIGITAL MIDDLE FINGER EXTENDED AT YOU.  
TG: 3  
CG: FUCK YOUR SHITTY EMOTICONS.  
TG: <///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////3  
CG: OH MY GOD I AM LAUGHING SO HARD I’M GONNA CRY BUT I REALLY HAVE TO GO. BYE.  
TG: bye  
TG: i guess  
TG: ill miss you  
CG: YOU TOO.  
CG: I GUESS.  
CG: NO HOMO?  
TG: half homo weve discussed this  
TG: wow so gay  
TG: bye  
CG: SEE YA.

— carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] —

— carcinoGeneticist [CG] is now an idle chum! —

TG: i know youre offline and youre not gonna get this for a while  
TG: i just needed to vent i guess  
TG: more like vantguess  
TG: nailed it  
TG: because i am feeling like shit stacked on shit mixed with shit seasoned with fresh ground shit  
TG: yeah thats a pretty fucking accurate descriptor  
TG: puberty can go choke on a dick  
TG: all this was so much less horrible before all the goddamn hormones  
TG: and now its just like my moods swing farther and farther and bibbity bop it just wont stop  
TG: its fucking crazy  
TG: and i was just wondering  
TG: what does it feel like to deserve to exist?  
TG: i used a question mark so you know im serious as hell  
TG: im only wondering because i CANT FUCKING FIGURE OUT WHY I DO  
TG: AND I FUCKING SWEAR IM GONNA GO CRAZY OVER HERE  
TG: crazier i guess  
TG: ok thanks  
TG: im not gonna kill myself i swear  
TG: im not that much of an asshole  
TG: bye

— turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] —

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I can be found at 2fab4lyffe.tumblr.com.


	2. dave strider's domain is a lying-free zone

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] is now an active chum! --

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

CG: DAVE SEND HELP.  
TG: ive been saying that you need help all along  
CG: WHATEVER.  
CG: LOOK, I'M ACTUALLY SERIOUS.  
CG: TOTALLY SERIOUS.  
CG: DEAD SERIOUS.  
TG: but are you really truly serious  
CG: NO I'M NOT SERIOUS AT ALL.  
CG: OF COURSE I FUCKING AM.  
CG: I JUST GOT INVITED TO A PARTY. IT'S COMING UP SOON, TOO. LIKE THIS WEEKEND KIND OF SOON.  
TG: are you asking me to like dj or something over vidchat  
TG: cuz i could do that  
TG: i got a microphone  
TG: and two turntables  
CG: NO. I NEED ADVICE.  
TG: dont get pregnant  
CG: GREAT FUCKING ADVICE, DOUCHELORD.  
CG: I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT PARTIES ARE EVEN LIKE.  
TG: well just let me check my harlequin romance collection for reference  
TG: "The City Of Desire" starts its plot out with the main chick getting drugged  
TG: and then she falls in love with the guy who drugged and molested her  
CG: WAIT YOU ACTUALLY HAVE A COLLECTION OF...  
CG: …OF COURSE YOU DO.  
CG: I REALLY HOPE YOU DON'T CONSIDER THIS TO BE ACTUAL ADVICE.  
TG: i would suggest you dont do that  
CG: CLOSE ENOUGH.  
CG: TRY AGAIN.  
TG: i have one set in a hospital  
CG: OH DEAR GOD.  
TG: "In The Wings Of Passion" has a party scene  
CG: BIBBITY BOP IT'S YOUR TURN TO STOP  
TG: wait no this is actually pretty good  
TG: the main chicks son is talking to her about the high school party he went to  
TG: um  
TG: ok theres alcohol  
TG: dont get drunk getting drunk sucks  
CG: HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?  
TG: bro let me try it once during the summer  
TG: a plus effective parenting im never getting drunk again  
CG: SLOW APPLAUSE.  
TG: he deserves it  
TG: at least hes fucking trying  
CG: OUCH.  
TG: oh shit thats not what i meant  
CG: IT'S FINE.  
TG: right  
TG: um  
TG: sorry  
TG: anyways  
TG: there are lots of people at parties  
TG: so yeah get ready for people  
CG: I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE.  
TG: then whyd you even go you whiny prick  
CG: BECAUSE.  
TG: because what  
TG: no lying allowed punk  
CG: BECAUSE I LIKE SOMEONE WHO'S GOING! LEAVE ME ALONE.  
TG: …  
TG: congrats  
CG: YO, SOMETHING UP?  
TG: of course not  
TG: dumbdumb  
TG: i gotta go  
TG: night

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] is now an idle chum! --

CG: WHAT.  
CG: WHAT?  
CG: WHAT JUST EVEN HAPPENED.  
CG: UM, OK.  
CG: I'LL JUST GO.  
CG: GOOD NIGHT.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] is now an idle chum! --

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I can be found at 2fab4lyffe.tumblr.com.


	3. freud and funions

\-- carcinoGenetecist [CG] is now an active chum! --

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: YOU WERE RIGHT.  
TG: im always right  
TG: well not always  
TG: sometimes im left but we dont talk about that  
CG: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.  
TG: me neither man  
TG: i just got on new meds and everythings weird  
CG: AREN'T MEDS A GOOD THING?  
TG: not if were discussing my linguistical coherency  
TG: or my ability to focus my eyes right  
TG: i dont think these ones are going to work out  
CG: JESUS. THAT SOUNDS NON-FUN.  
TG: i dont actually know if its fun or not i literally feel nothing  
CG: SEEMS LIKE IT WOULD BE SCARY.  
TG: its really quite empowering actually  
CG: WHAT.  
TG: dude nothing anyone can say can hurt me right now  
TG: thats a lie there are a few things i can think of that would  
TG: but other than that im even more chill than normal  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY WASN'T FUN, THOUGH?  
TG: enlightenate me  
CG: THAT'S NOT A WORD.  
TG: fuck you its a word now  
TG: now what wasnt fun  
CG: THAT GODDAMN PARTY I TOLD YOU I WAS GOING TO.  
TG: tell me all about it mr vantas  
turntechGodhead [TG] sent carcinoGeneticist [CG] the file "come sit on my couch bby.jpg" successfully!  
turntechGodhead [TG] sent carcinoGeneticist [CG] the file "now how does that make you feel.jpg" successfully!  
CG: OH MY GOD YOU EPIC PIECE OF SHIT WHY ARE YOU PERFECT.  
TG: my doctor disagrees with your diagnosis  
CG: WELL YOUR DOCTOR CAN SUCK IT. YOU'RE PERFECT.  
TG: i think i might be swooning  
TG: wait youre diffracting  
TG: deflecting  
TG: nailed it  
TG: are you ever going to tell me about the fucking party jeez  
CG: DON'T RUSH ME DAVE. YOU CAN'T RUSH GENIUS.  
TG: genius  
TG: where  
CG: FUCK YOU.  
TG: keep your goddamn karcock in your legsleeves gosh  
CG: DO YOU MEAN…PANTS?  
TG: i meant what i said and i said what i meant  
CG: I'M NOT EVEN WEARING ANY PANTS.  
CG: WOOPS TMI.  
TG: the fucks i give will be illustrated in the following statement  
TG:  
TG:  
TG: it required two for dramatic effect  
CG: THIS IS WHY YOU'RE PERFECT, IF YOU'RE STILL QUESTIONING IT.  
CG: ANYWAYS.  
CG: I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE…  
TG: well gosh karkat make up your mind  
CG: UM…  
CG: ...ACCIDENTALLY SLEPT WITH GAMZEE.  
TG: wait was he the juggalo stoner one  
CG: YEAH.  
CG: ALSO PRETTY MUCH MY BEST FRIEND UNTIL LIKE 2 YEARS AGO.  
TG: what happened two years ago  
CG: WELL, FOR ONE, HE HAD A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED MELTDOWN AND GOT CARTED OFF FOR A WHILE.  
TG: fun  
CG: AND TWO, THAT'S WHEN I MET YOU, SO HE KINDA GOT TRUMPED.  
TG: why karkles  
TG: are you trying to be sweet  
TG: because it's totally working  
CG: MY SWEETNESS IS CURRENTLY UNDER CONSIDERATION.  
TG: was he even the one you said you liked  
CG: NO HE WAS NOT.  
TG: who was it then  
TG: spill the beans  
CG: IT WAS SOLLUX, TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST.  
TG: wow thats  
TG: not what i was expecting  
CG: YEAH DON'T WORRY THAT'S OVER NOW. HE'S A GREASY DOUCHEBAG ROBOTIC EMOTIONLESS ASSHOLE WHO REEKS OF FUNIONS AND DEATH AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I THOUGHT I LIKED HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE. IN ANY CONTEXT. INCLUDING AS A FRIEND.  
TG: good for you  
TG: dont need no man  
TG: especially no juggalo ass motherfucker  
TG: and /especially/ no man who dont take care of his hair  
TG: ive seen photos of sollux and  
TG: my god  
TG: its tragic  
TG: at least you wash your birds nest  
CG: HEY NOW. WATCH YOURSELF.  
TG: its only cuz aint no man in the world good enough for you honey  
TG: *sassily blows kiss*  
CG: OH MY GOD STOP MAKING ME GIGGLE, HE'S ASLEEP AND I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO DEAL WITH WHAT WAKING HIM UP WOULD ENTAIL RIGHT NOW.  
TG: oh shit youre still with him  
TG: ?  
TG: gods i hate punctuation  
CG: WELL, ACTUALLY, HE'S STILL WITH ME. AT MY PLACE.  
CG: I THINK I INVITED HIM OVER.  
TG: .,/?'":;\\[] fuck this noise  
CG: MAYBE HE SUGGESTED IT.  
CG: IT'S KIND OF A BLUR.  
TG: i told you not to get drunk you fucking moron  
CG: NO NO I GOT HIGH!  
TG: oh well thats definitely better  
CG: I THINK IT WAS LACED WITH SOMETHING THOUGH BECAUSE I SERIOUSLY DON'T REMEMBER SHIT.  
TG: jesus fuck have you gotten yourself checked out  
TG: because you sound pretty wrecked out  
CG: I'M NOT FEELING ANYTHING WRONG, SO I DIDN'T PANIC ABOUT IT.  
CG: IT'S DEFINITELY LIKE NUMBER TWO ON MY TO-DO LIST THO.  
CG: BEFORE YOU ASK, I WAS TOTES SAFE. FOUND THE USED CONDOM IN THE TRASH.  
CG: THAT WAS WHILE I /WAS/ PANICKING.  
TG: good boy  
TG: wouldnt want you to get pregnant  
TG: and in the words of the great me  
TG: "TG: dont get pregnant"  
CG: MY ABILITY TO BE PREGNANT IS NOT CURRENTLY SUPPORTED BY CANON.  
TG: wait who topped i need to make sure im making the right jokes  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK? HOW IS THAT YOUR BUSINESS.  
TG: its 5 in the morning you made it my goddamn business  
TG: and wow being direct is really nice  
TG: i feel even more empowered  
CG: I THINK HE TOPPED.  
CG: I DON'T FEEL THAT SORE, BUT IT'S THERE.  
CG: I'LL ASK HIM ABOUT IT RIGHT AFTER I GET DONE PUNCHING HIM IN THE FACE FOR GIVING ME LACED SHIT.  
TG: you go girl  
TG: id call that justified assault  
TG: ok but i seriously am starting to feel disturbingly fantastic  
TG: like  
TG: i wanna just  
TG: say shit  
CG: ANY HORRIBLE SECRETS ABOUT YOUR DARK AND TRAGIC PAST YOU'RE FEELING LIKE SHARING, MS. MARY SUE?  
TG: nah  
TG: my past is boring  
TG: born, parents dead, raised by brother, grew up a bit, got assaulted violently, and here we are  
TG: ta-da  
TG: my past  
TG: yours is less boring than mine even  
CG: HOW SO?  
TG: well i mean  
TG: your mother for one  
CG: OR WE COULD NOT FUCKING DISCUSS THIS RIGHT NOW.  
TG: your ex-best friend who went on a "fuck everything up" spree  
TG: woops plot twist i already knew about gamzee  
CG: YOU'RE STARTING TO CREEP ME OUT DAVE  
TG: i read the newspaper article about it  
TG: did i mention i read your towns newspaper  
TG: because i do  
CG: DAVE THIS IS FUCKING DISTURBING. PLEASE STOP.  
TG: it makes me feel like im more connected to terezi and you  
TG: mostly you  
CG: I'M SERIOUSLY ABOUT TO HAVE A PANIC ATTACK FUCKING STOP  
TG: and i mean  
TG: its not like im stalking you or anything  
TG: but i know your house has green siding on it  
TG: or at least it did as of 2009 which is when the google van went by it  
CG: I'M NOT FUCKING KIDDING DAVE THIS GAMZEE BUSINESS IS REALLY STARTING TO HIT ME AND I'M SCARED AS SHIT.  
CG: AND YOUR APPARENT HOBBY OF KNOWING EVERYTHING ABOUT ME IS, WHILE ACTUALLY QUITE TOUCHING, REALLY KIND OF SCARY.  
CG: SO I'M GOING TO HAVE TO LEAVE NOW. AND GO GET MEDICAL PROOF SO I CAN CHARGE GAMZEE WITH /RAPE/ BECAUSE I REALLY DID NOT WANT TO SLEEP WITH HIM AT ALL AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS IN MY BODY RIGHT NOW AND IT'S TERRIFYING.  
CG: I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER I SWEAR.  
TG: i think im in love with you  
TG: as a matter of fact im about 99% certain i am desperately in love with you  
TG: like hearts and puppies and 3.5 children kind of love  
CG: …  
CG: DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY OR ANYTHING,  
CG: BUT WHAT THE HELL IS FUCKED IN YOUR HEAD?  
TG: i mean a lot apparently  
CG: I ONLY ASK BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE WORST FUCKING TIMING IN THE ENTIRE KNOWN UNIVERSE AND ONLY SOMEBODY WHO HAD SOMETHING TRULY WRONG WITH THE ABILITY TO COMPREHEND HUMAN EMOTION WOULD BE THIS SHITTY.  
CG: I TAKE IT BACK.  
TG: take what back  
CG: YOU'RE NOT PERFECT.  
CG: BUT THAT'S FINE, BECAUSE I'M NOT EITHER, AND I THINK I MIGHT EVEN BE ABLE TO LIKE YOU TOO, BUT I AM CAUGHT UP IN A PRETTY BIG SHITBUNDLE RIGHT NOW AND I'M JUST GOING TO TAKE THIS PARTICULAR ISSUE AND PUT IT ON THE BACKBURNER AND WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT WHEN YOU'RE NOT FUCKED UP AND I'M NOT FUCKED UP AND IT'S NOT 5:27 IN THE MORNING AND THERE'S NOT A STONER WHO MIGHT HAVE A KNIFE ASLEEP NEXT TO ME.  
CG: KTHXBYE.  
TG: thats fine i guess  
TG: um  
TG: im sorry  
TG: i think  
CG: I APPRECIATE THE HONESTY ABOUT YOU NOT KNOWING WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.  
CG: MOSTLY BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO RECIPROCATE THE NOT-KNOWING-WHAT-THE-FUCK-IS-EVEN-HAPPENING-NESS.  
CG: I'LL TALK TO YOU SOON, K?  
TG: k  
TG: im not perfect youre right about that  
TG: but youre also wrong  
CG: WHAT? HOW?  
TG: because you are perfect  
TG: fucking PERFECT and thats why i love you  
TG: im here for you  
CG: …YEAH.  
CG: YOU'RE ALWAYS HERE FOR ME.  
TG: ill talk to you later  
TG: bye  
CG: BYE.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]\--

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has set his mood to "MOTHERFUCKING INFINITE" \--  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has set his mood to "MOST CERTAINLY FINITE" \--  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has set his mood to "frick u karkat" \--  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has set his mood to "NOBODY EVEN LIKED THAT MOVIE YOU PRETENTIOUS HIPSTER FUCKWIT" \--  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has set his mood to "MOTHERFUCKING INFINITE AND KARKAT CAN GO JUMP IN A LAKE IN JANUARY ALSO IT'S A BOOK" \--

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] is now an idle chum! \--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I can be found at 2fab4lyffe.tumblr.com.


	4. deus ex malickna

\-- carcinoGenetecist [CG] is now an active chum! --

\-- carcinoGenetecist [CG] has set his mood to "DONE I AM DONE DO NOT FUCKING TOUCH ME" --

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

CG: WE'RE NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT COURT, NOR ARE WE GOING TO TALK ABOUT GAMZEE.  
CG: CLEAR?  
TG: simmer down friend  
TG: dont let the pasta of your heart boil over  
CG: WHY THIS.  
TG: i aint gonna start shit  
TG: when you wanna talk about it ill talk  
TG: not like i got anything more worthwhile to be doing  
CG: IF I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS YOU SAYING I WAS IMPORTANT, I MIGHT BE INSULTED.  
TG: you  
TG: getting insulted  
TG: dramatically gasps  
TG: how scandalous  
CG: FUCK YOU IN EVERY POSSIBLE ORIFICE PLUS TWO IMPOSSIBLE ONES.  
CG: WITH CACTI.  
TG: isnt that more hardcore than your usual fare mr missionary  
CG: DON'T FUCKING KNOCK MISSIONARY. IT'S GOT PROS AND CONS JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER POSITION.  
TG: and youd know  
CG: HASHTAG YOLO, VIRGIN.  
TG: …  
TG: did you just  
TG: did you just articulate # in normal speech  
CG: AND YOLO.  
TG: and you managed to insult me based off of my celibacy  
TG: exactly like a jock  
CG: DON'T FORGET YOLO.  
TG: i quit i am done youve done the most ironic thing ive ever seen  
TG: that was like  
TG: fractal irony  
TG: it was fucking incredible  
TG: worthy of a retconned mention in the classic hit "ironic" by alanis morissette  
\-- carcinoGenetecist [CG] has set his mood to "FRACTALLY IRONIC" --  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has set his mood to "karkles chan is perfect" --  
CG: DON'T CALL ME KARKLES CHAN.  
TG: karkles chan wa kawaii desu  
CG: DAVE KUN WA FUCK OFF.  
TG: <3  
CG: WOW I SOMEHOW MANAGED TO FORGET YOU DID THAT.  
CG: I HARDLY EVEN HATE IT ANYMORE.  
CG: IT'S KIND OF REFRESHING.  
CG: THAT'S FUCKING CREEPY.  
CG: IT REMINDS ME OF YOU WHEN I SEE IT ON SHIRTS AND SHIT IN SCHOOL.  
TG: because your classmates wear awesome shirts  
CG: BECAUSE THEY HAVE SHITTY TASTE.  
TG: unlike you  
CG: AND VERY LIKE YOU.  
TG: hey i have good taste  
TG: i like you after all  
TG: dont hate yourself karkat  
TG: http://www.thetrevorproject.org  
CG: YOU'RE HORRIBLE OH MY GOD.  
TG: <3  
CG: I KNEW IT. I KNEW YOU'D GO FOR THE FUCKING HEART.  
TG: <333333333  
CG: IS THAT SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE A SERIES OF BUTTS?  
CG: BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I OBSERVE BEFORE MINE EYES.  
TG: you know what they say  
TG: you see what you want to see  
TG: imagine them as my butt  
CG: I'VE NEVER SEEN YOUR BUTT.  
TG: good point  
turntechGodhead [TG] sent carcinoGeneticist [CG] the file "im in that twerking fandom.mov" successfully!  
CG: I'M  
CG: I  
CG: I  
CG: WOW THAT'S ACTUALLY...KIND OF IMPRESSIVE.  
CG: HOLY SHIT WAS THAT A FRONT FLIP.  
TG: no it was two  
CG: IT HAS NEVER BEEN MORE CLEAR TO ME THAT YOU ARE NOT WHITE.  
TG: like youre one to talk ms puerto rico 2013  
CG: OK BUT  
CG: WHAT IF I ACTUALLY WON A BEAUTY CONTEST.  
TG: im very happy with imagining the speech youd give  
CG: I'D LIKE TO THANK MY MANAGER, MS. MARYAM, FOR SUPPORTING ME THROUGH THIS CAVALCADE OF SEXISM, WITH ALL THE SILLY ASSHATS WHO SAID I WASN'T PRETTY ENOUGH.  
TG: the cameras flash  
TG: the journalists descend  
TG: "mr vantas mr vantas how does it feel to win"  
CG: LIKE A USELESS VICTORY FOR SHITTY IDEALS.  
TG: "mr vantas our readers want to know about these rumors of your torrid affair with one dave strider"  
CG: OH PLEASE, LIKE HE COULD HOLD A CANDLE TO THIS FABULOUS PIECE OF ASS. I DUMPED HIM FOR SOMEONE MUCH PRETTIER.  
TG: "and who would that be mr vantas"  
CG: MYSELF, OF COURSE. I ONLY EVER NEED MYSELF.  
CG: JUST ME AND THE LIGHT OF THE MOON.  
TG: i swear to god karkat  
CG: GOD KARKAT SPEAKING, CAN I HELP YOU?  
TG: yes  
TG: lord deliver me from this woebegone ratchet ass ho  
CG: I RESENT BEING CALLED RATCHET.  
CG: THE ONLY "RATCHET" INVOLVED IN THIS EQUATION IS THE RATCHET WRENCH I'LL BE THROWING AT YOU.  
TG: so what happens if i pull my magic ninja moves and duck it  
CG: THEN THE FORCE OF EVERY HAND IN THE 'HOOD SHALL JOIN TOGETHER TO CREATE THE MOST RIGHTEOUS OF BITCHSLAPS, THAT WILL SUBSEQUENTLY BURY ITSELF INTO THE CESSPOOL OF GREASINESS THAT IS YOUR FACE.  
CG: YOUR SHITTY SUNGLASSES WILL EXPLODE WITH THE FORCE OF A THOUSAND SUNS, AS THE SHARDS FLY DIRECTLY INTO YOUR CORNEAS AND PERMANENTLY BLIND YOU.  
CG: YOU WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO SEE MY PRETTY FACE IN PERSON, AND YOU WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO CREATE ANOTHER SHITTY COMIC.  
CG: THE WORLD AND I WOULD LAUGH TOGETHER AS YOU FLOUNDERED ABOUT LIKE A USELESS FISH THAT CAN'T EVEN SWIM IN ITS OWN FUCKING PISS ANYMORE.  
CG: SWAG.  
TG: applause noises  
TG: havent heard one of those in a while  
CG: WOO. I THINK I NEED A CIGARETTE.  
TG: no karkles dont murder your lungs  
TG: think of the children  
CG: THAT'S A LOT MORE MOTIVATIONAL THAN ANYTHING ELSE.  
CG: KIDS ARE GROSS.  
TG: wisdom with karkat  
CG: IT WOULD ONLY EVER BE A LAMER SPINOFF OF WISDOM WITH DAVE.  
TG: aww thats sweet of you  
TG: are you saying im the best karkat  
TG: even though we all already know that i indeed am the best  
TG: the most swag  
TG: the most fly  
TG: the most most  
CG: THAT'S YOU, ALRIGHT.  
CG: THE MOST ANNOYING.  
CG: THE MOST REPETITIVE.  
CG: HEY HOLD UP SOMEONE IS CALLING ME.  
TG: yup no worries  
TG: ive got daria reruns to fulfill my minimum dosage of teenage misanthropy  
CG: BACK.  
TG: why mr vantas welcome back  
CG: HEY GUESS WHAT?  
TG: what  
CG: SO YOU KNOW HOW TEREZI'S PARENT THING WORKS AT AN AIRPORT?  
TG: yeah  
TG: security or something right  
CG: SOMETHING.  
TG: that was arguably the smoothest subject change i have ever seen  
TG: if you didnt notice  
TG: that was sarcasm  
CG: EAT A COCK.  
TG: #karcock  
CG: AAAAAND SCENE. MOVING ON.  
CG: LONG STORY SHORT TEREZI SOMEHOW MANAGED TO WRANGLE SOME COMMUNITY INVOLVEMENT PRIZE. PROBABLY FROM THAT JUSTICE PROGRAM SHE'S IN.  
CG: SO THE THING THAT AWARDS THESE AWARDS FUNDS TRAVEL HER AND A +1 TO THE CONFERENCE OR WHATEVER.  
CG: TWO ABSOLUTELY FREE PLANE TICKETS.  
CG: NOW HERE'S THE KICKER.  
TG: its terezi were talking about wouldnt it be a "licker"  
CG: SURE.  
CG: BECAUSE APPARENTLY OUR MUTUAL LICKFRIEND HAS ACHIEVED TRUE DEUS EX MACHINA STATUS,  
CG: SHE IS NOT ONLY DRAGGING ME ALONG AS HER +1 FOR SOME REASON,  
CG: THE CONFERENCE IS IN HOUSTON.  
CG: SO YEAH I'LL BE SEEING YOU IN A WEEK.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has set his mood to "brb crying tears of joy" --

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] is now an idle chum! --

CG: HEHEHE.  
CG: NAILED IT.  
CG: GTG, TALK TO YOU TOMORROW.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] is now an idle chum! --

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I can be found at 2fab4lyffe.tumblr.com.
> 
> EPILOGUE TOMORROW!


	5. happy sappy funtimes

_“Happily ever after, or even just together ever after, is not cheesy,” Wren said. “It’s the noblest, like, the most courageous thing two people can shoot for.”  
― Rainbow Rowell, Fangirl_

My name is Dave Strider and I am desperately in love.

His name is Karkat Vantas and wow, dat ass.

I can appreciate dat ass because right now, he's in front of me. We're at the airport. He hasn't noticed me yet, and he's lugging around far too many bags. Terezi isn't lugging around any, big surprise.

Surprise. Surprise surprise. It's a surprise that they were coming here at all. It was a surprise when I realized I wanted that fine booty by the name of Karkat. I surprise him when I tap him on the shoulder.

"Who in the fuck are you - oh. Dave," he says, spinning around and glaring at me. He smiles. A bit. I lean in for the kiss and he goes for it and what the hey, that's pretty nice of him. He stutters something when I lean back and blushes like mad.

"Well, that's not a no, is it?" I drawl, hands back in my pockets.

He splutters angrily. "Fuck you, of course it's not a no, how the hell could I ever say no to you."

Terezi wolf-whistles. "Woohoo! Called it!"

I nod at her. "Terezi dear. How was the plane?"

She starts jabbering and we start walking and if I happen to steal some of the bags Karkat's carrying and if he happens to slip his now-free hand into mine, well, no one says a thing.  


* * *

_months ago_

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 23:52 --

TG: i just wanted to let you know that this place is fucking stupid  
EB: glad to see someone's happy!  
TG: no i am not  
TG: fuck you  
TG: why did i ever think helping your ass out was a good idea  
TG: i hate you with the force of a thousand suns  
TG: can feel the burn of my rage  
EB: hehehehe, sick burn bro!  
EB: get it? burn?  
TG: …  
TG: ………  
TG: kill me now  
EB: don't say that.  
TG: why the fuck not im totally serious  
TG: i would rather die than listen to your shit jokes man  
EB: well, since it's kinda my fault you ended up in the FUCKING HOSPITAL, i would appreciate you thinking about yourself for once.  
EB: pretty please.  
TG: with nic cages hairy ass nipples on top?  
EB: sure!  
EB: you make some weird jokes sometimes.  
TG: im still totally serious  
TG: i want me some of that action  
TG: delicious  
TG: me, shirtless nic cage, and a fucking sundae  
TG: that is how i want to spend my saturday afternoon  
EB: omg dave stop! i'm laughing really hard!  
TG: cant stop wont stop  
TG: speaking of delicious  
TG: i am not going to talk about the food here  
TG: because that would mean its delicious  
TG: and believe me it is not  
EB: dude you're a dork.  
TG: <3  
EB: yeah yeah, <3 you too.  
EB: dork.  
TG: we all know youre just jealous  
EB: jealous of what, your nerdy rapping? why would I be jealous of that?  
TG: because my rapping is sick as fuck and you know it  
EB: with how pale you are, people always think you're sick as fuck!  
TG: …im not sure if thats a diss or compliment  
EB: well, i'm not sure if we should try to be serious for a bit or not.  
TG: dont pull that shit on me man  
TG: if you wanna talk im chill  
TG: do the talky thing  
TG: im just trying to do my…other thing here  
TG: so go ahead  
TG: …are you waiting for some more encouragement  
EB: fuck you man, i'm typing! >:(  
TG: well excuse me princess  
TG: wait is that a fucking emoticon  
TG: goddammit john  
TG: i knew jade was a bad influence on you  
TG: i fucking warned you  
TG: more like i fucking called it  
EB: i'm not really sure what's going on right now but i know two things for certain and the first thing is that you kept mumbling "karkat" under your breath after you got punted into the wall while you were passing out which by the way was terrifying. the second thing is that i really, really want to thank you for stopping those bullies and stuff and it's kind of confusing but, um, who's karkat? should i be worried?  
TG: i knew she was trouble when she walked in  
TG: wait holy text batman  
TG: reading  
TG: ok i read it  
EB: so.  
EB: karkat.  
TG: well um how do i put this  
TG: hes a friend…acquaintance…classmate of vriskas  
TG: thats how i met him actually  
TG: you introduced me to vriska introduced me to eridan introduced me to karkat  
TG: long story short i think i might be in love with him and its super confusing  
EB: wait, you're a homosexual now? when did that happen??  
TG: bi actually and a while  
TG: woops coming out to you from the hospital  
TG: is it storming outside because if its not i dont think this is melodramatic enough  
EB: um, ok! that's interesting!  
TG: eggdaddy are you ok  
EB: just kinda startled!  
TG: do you need a minute  
EB: i need several minutes. and maybe some sleep.  
TG: ok  
TG: do you want to talk  
TG: john  
TG: john you there  
EB: …  
EB: yeah.  
TG: i think we should talk  
EB: yeah, me too.  
EB: stop being a dork and go to bed. i am coming to visit tomorrow and if i want to be functional i have to sleep.  
EB: dork.  
TG: love you too

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 1:19 --


	6. 2015 EDIT

Wow, it was definitely a good idea to go back and rewrite this. Casual ableism gone, aro erasure gone, and now we're all happy and less oppressive. Thank the gods for personal growth, right?

Anyways, find me on tumblr at socialjusticedragon. I'm out.


End file.
